At the proper time

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." -Galatians 6:9

           Weariness has come in many forms this month for me. It has come in the form of nasty emails sent without thought. It has come after a meaningful discussion with Santana, Carlos, Jaden, or Ty'Shawn only to find them throwing a new tantrum, trying to steal my clipboard, running away from me, or biting another scholar only minutes after our "sincere" conversation. It comes with looking at the clock reading 5:00pm and knowing there are hours more of grading, cleaning, and planning to do before I would feel prepared for the next day.
          So how do we find the strength not to give up and the let the weariness choke out the life within us? How do we carry on when we do not know the proper time at which our harvest will be reaped?
            We must hold fast to the One who never grows weary and allow the Holy Spirit to inspire new perspective on our work. A confrontational email can turn into an opportunity to build a deeper relationship. Not giving up on conversations with students and trusting that at the "proper time" those sincere words will play out in their actions. Finding a new way to prioritize my work so that what needs to get done is finished and trusting that if nothing else my spirit will be at peace.
          In at lease one area of my life I have had the pleasure of reaping a beautiful harvest in this season. My middle school volleyball team played their last game on Saturday to become the runner up of the Northeast Ohio Charter Volleyball League. More importantly the girls learned how to encourage one another, build their self-esteem, and improve their volleyball skills. One of the best moments of the season for me was driving one of my girls home and hearing her say..."that other team doesn't even act like a family."
          If we trust the One who makes the harvest possible it is with great confidence that we can carry on knowing that our weariness is not forever.

Boomerang

        Last week I had a day that should only happen in movies it was was so bad. First, I received some feedback from an observation in my classroom and discussed why I was so frustrated with my classroom set up. The phone call ended with me crying because after all the reaching out I had done to colleagues and admin I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel for me or my students. Every suggestion I made was shot down. Then I went to the Kids in Need station where they refused to let me shop with my co-teacher because my registration hadn't gone through. The manager finally let me walk around and then found me talking with my co-teacher about some poster board and told me "you'r not registered to shop, good-bye..." The icing on the cake was an email I received that dropped me into the "depths of despair", as Anne of Green Gables would say it. One of my administrators told me I wasn't coming from a place of love or understanding towards my students which was causing my instructional delivery to be negative and overwhelming. I was told to "be nicer". I cried for most of the night and contemplated for the 1000th time quitting my job.
        This week the same administrator that had been quick to give so much feedback came into my classroom to teach a lesson. She had beautiful anchor charts, assigned talking partners, and a clearly well planned lesson (not so unlike several of mine). However, my challenges quickly became her challenges. She struggled to get them all on the carpet from their desks and played the game of putting out behavioral fires while attempting to teach a lesson on teamwork.( La'Mya stop banging the pipe...Jaden come sit on the carpet. Why are you so upset right now? Carlos I need your hands folded and legs folded, you may not lay on the floor.) There were 6 adults in the room (superintendent, director of teacher development,director of curriculum and instruction, principal, me and my co-teacher and still very little learning was happening. There was a small part of me that wanted to say... "I told you so," but I refrained. She informed me that day that she now understood why my co-teacher and I were both so frustrated and overwhelmed. As my co-teacher and I prepped for parent teacher conferences we discovered that 16 of our students are below grade level in math and reading and at least 10 of them need an individual behavior contracts. I still feel like my room is a circus, but the productive thing that came out of this chaos was an achievable action plan to attack the biggest problems that our classroom is facing, a lack of respect for themselves and others.
        At the end of the day today each student had to share with the class how they would make our family a better place. Antonio told me he was going to be respectful to his neighbors and stop moving his desk away from them. Mikal told me he was going to stop disrupting the class with tantrums. Melissa said she wasn't going to play in the bathrooms anymore. I am looking forward to a time when all these promises start coming to fruition.

Extra

        This week has been a lesson in the word extra. For those of you who don't converse in cityspeak Extra means too much as in that boy's hat is extra or that girl's hair is extra or in my case those kids of yours need a lot of extra. My class is comprised of 15 students receiving title services (testing significantly below grade level in math or reading), 3 retained first graders, 2 IEPs (Individualized Education Plans), 4 students who are currently seeing a therapist and about a dozen more who need to be seeing one. To say that my co-teacher and I's job is tough is an understatement. I often make the analogy that we are doing a juggling routine of trying to keep all our kids learning and happy and all too often one or more of the balls drop. 
      As an example let me share with you a snippet within our classroom. I greet each student as they come to their lockers. B is almost always in a gloomy mood and I am lucky to get about 4 words out of her before she goes to class. J refuses to take ownership of his action (pushing someone out of line in the bathroom) yesterday and I have a 10 minute discussion with him about using kind words and kind actions. When I arrive in the classrooms after checking all my scholars homework I find M off the carpet walking around, S hugging the pipe that is next to our carpet, B crying at her desk and C with his back to Mrs. S and his feet stuck out. I begin triage. I ask M and B to sit on the carpet, then begin threatening with a countdown and a consequence. She and he comply but are both angry. I remove C from the carpet and have him sit in time out. He is frustrated and started beating the wall with the chair. I take 5 minutes to de-escalate him talking in a calm voice and asking him why he is frustrated. I tell him what he needs to do to get out of time out and move on to S who is still hugging the pipe. I issue a consequence and S decides to fall on the carpet. I issue another consequence and remind S that if he wants to achieve his incentive of being the line leader he can only get 2 consequences before I take his job away. S chooses to sit up but he is still slightly angry. All of this takes place between 8:00 and 8:15. In a word... extra. 
      So what do you do as a teacher who knows a new trick to try with each of these challenging kids but has so many of them it is difficult to implement them consistently? So far I have reached out to other colleagues with more experience and done my best to get parents in the loop. However, these interventions haven't been entirely successful. So that leaves me in this uncomfortable space of knowing I can't meet all of my kids needs and wanting desperately to see that they are successful. It is here that my roommate and Dad reminded of vitally important information. These students are not mine first. They belong to God first and if I equate my success with how my students perform I will constantly be on a roller coaster of circumstances. On the other hand,  if I trust Him to provide for my students and place my success in the finished work of the cross I open myself to the Kingdom perspective for each of my kids that God has entrusted to me for this year... and in a word provide all the extra they need. 

"Yet I am always with you;
    you hold me by my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
    and afterward you will take me into glory.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
    And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
    but God is the strength of my heart
    and my portion forever." 
-Psalm 73: 23-26

Full Circle

     This week was tryouts for the first volleyball team that our school has ever had (no not my first graders, our sister middle school, Entrepreneurship Prep). I hadn't realized how much I missed coaching until the first day of tryouts where I got to give my girls a pretty good speech. "I deal with 1st graders... that I love all day long, but if you start acting like one of my first graders you will not be playing on this team." We had 32 girls try out for only 12 spots and it broke my heart not to find a way to have all the girls play on two teams. However, I am so excited to get to invest in these 12 lives and give them another incentive to do well in school. 
     One life in particular has a special meaning to me... one that deserves a little back story from last year. Imagine teaching a class where every child is following directions except one little girl, who refuses to listen to you no matter what you do. I had her eat breakfast with me each morning while I greeted scholars at their lockers. I made her a special behavior chart for her desk. My dean gave her a specialized incentive in order to help her behave in class. I called her parents. I brought her grandma in for a conference. I got her grandma to observe her in class. I tried framing directions positively. I tried tough love. I tried giving her breaks in other classrooms (when I could get her to leave our room). I tried taking away computers, specials, etc. I tried taking her to the library on Saturdays. I tried talking to her therapist and working to create a behavior plan. None of these attempts were successful so she was finally asked to leave the school, which was incredibly bitter-sweet. On the one hand, I was grateful for the opportunity to finally build our classroom culture and on the other I watched all the investment in our relationship walk out the door without ever feeling like I broke through. 
     What does this have to do with my middle school volleyball team? Her older sister tried out and was one of the few who made it. I told her to tell her younger sister how much I missed her and that I still thought about her. Lo and behold the second day of tryouts J and T (her brother who was also dismissed from our school for behavior issues) showed up and both of them gave me giant hugs and told me about their new school (another successful charter) and how happy they seemed. It was medicine for my heart to see J smiling and excited about life again and (selfishly) to know that I handed completely screwed up her education. I look forward to investing in her older sister's life and giving back to their family. My hope is that they will know how much our school cares about each of the scholars in our Village. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a]have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:12

It's A Wonderful Life

        Today I was informed as I was walking my 32 first graders to lunch that I would be given a break by our amazing title teachers (teachers who pull students out of class who are below grade level to help them make significant strides towards catching up). I was grateful for a break in the action. I usually arrive at 7:00a.m to prep for all of the lessons I will be teaching that day: reading, math, and science. The students begin arriving at 7:35 and from the moment they step foot inside the building it is game time. After 5 hours of straight teaching I was happy to relinquish my little ones into other hands while I took a break to grab my lunch and take a bathroom break. I walked back to my room to find my principal and DCI (Director of Curriculum and Instruction) who informed me that my co-teacher and I would be the recipients of an extreme classroom makeover.
       After an observation by my principal during a  particularly challenging math lesson on place value (I felt like pulling my hair out) she decided that our current classroom set up was contributing to sensory overload for our kids... who have enough challenges without adding the inability to see the SMART board or hear us when we are teaching. I thought these "home" improvements would be made in the weeks to come, but I should have known better. My principal doesn't let moss grow under her feet. She started rolling up the carpet as she explained that we would need to find an alternate lesson plan to conduct outside of our classroom while they worked to move our math meeting bulletin board, white board, and rolling cabinets. I was so excited to start making changes that would help the kids focus and me to find my voice again (I lost it on Thursday this week).
       However, that was not the end of this makeover. Unbeknownst to me or my co-teacher my DCI had sent an email asking for some help from anyone who was available to put our room back together. For those of you who have seen It's A Wonderful Life, the end scene comes to mind as I think about what happened next. Similar to George Bailey realizing the amazing community and family he lives in, I realized how many people were willing to give up their Friday afternoons to pitch in and put our class back together again. I counted over 10 staff members who came in to put down new transition tape, hang up posters, hang up bulletin boards, and generally clean and organize. I hope my gratitude was palpable. I could never say thank you enough ,not only for the manual labor but the feeling of support in knowing that other colleagues care about me and the kids in my class being successful.
      When I first started working at my school I was informed by the other teachers that the reason why people continued to do this work was because of the incredible colleagues we all have. Thanks to their hard work and village mindset my Rochester yellow jackets now have a little more happy in their hive.

Redemption: a new story of self

Redemption, that is what this year is about for me. Last year I lost my co-teacher, taught alone for 3 weeks, and tried and failed to teach a new teacher how to do her job while continuing to do mine. I left the year feeling defeated, hopeless, and depressed. Many of my students did not reach the accountability goals I set for them. At least 2 of them left the school because their behavior in my class was so atrocious, one of them charged my co-teacher with raised fists, another one crawled in between my kidney table and the wall while screaming and crying. I felt personally responsible for my students’ abandonment issues, their poor behavior, and their academic misgivings. I was depressed for part of the year, not feeling like myself especially when I had to rely on my roommate, MTLD (Manager of Teacher Leadership and Development), and colleagues at work to simply finish the school year. I teacher swapped in two separate classrooms to take a break from my own and was sent home from work one day crying because I was so overwhelmed.

                At the end of the year I was promised a move up to first grade from Kindergarten and the opportunity to co-teach with another 2012 corps member who I respected for her organization and classroom management skills. It was a promise that kept me going through most of April and May when my class was still in disarray and 4 out of the 6 kindergarten teachers had quit. Three weeks before I was supposed to return to school I found out I was being placed with a teacher who was new to the preps. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. I started applying for other charter schools near my home in Rochester and had a very difficult conversation with my DCI (Director of Curriculum and Instruction) over the phone during which she told me that they would not be changing their minds about who my co-teacher would be.

                After sulking for several days I contacted my MTLD who helped me come to a difficult but important epiphany, I was projecting all my disappointment and perceived failure onto my new co-teacher, a woman I had never met and never given a chance to. I decided that I was too young to already become so bitter and let my bad experiences inform my new decisions. After our discussion I emailed my new co-teacher with a list of what I hoped to be rapport building questions.

                We have worked hard to create a space where students feel welcomed and it is my hope that they progressively feel a sense of belonging, purpose and honor for each other.  This year may not be perfect but I want to give back the year that was stolen from my kindergartners last year. I want to build our school’s community and thereby win our students’ trust back. We will succeed this year and when we do we will find out what hope really means. Meliora. Ever Better. 

Baal Perazim

        When the Philistines heard that David had been anointed king over Israel, they went up in full force to search for him, but David heard about it and went down to the stronghold. Now the Philistines had come and spread out in the Valley of Rephaim;so David inquired of the Lord, “Shall I go and attack the Philistines? Will you deliver them into my hands?”The Lord answered him, “Go, for I will surely deliver the Philistines into your hands.”

So David went to Baal Perazim, and there he defeated them. He said, “As waters break out, the Lord has broken out against my enemies before me.” So that place was called Baal Perazim.   2 Samuel 5:17-20

      In the past 5 weeks there have been 6 different teachers covering in my classroom. I've sent students to the dean almost every single day for behavioral issues including defiance, fighting, threatening other students and sticking their tongues out at my new co-teacher. I have 7 students who are not on track to go first grade. You could say that the Philistines have come in full force. (Don't worry I'm not suggesting that I have been appointed as Queen over Village Prep). A wise friend once asked me, Who do you think God wants to be in this situation? It has stuck with me and right now I seek to know Baal Perazim, the God who breaks through. 

        I do have some breakthroughs to celebrate for in the midst of the storm. Jayson told me he wanted to try to do a math problem by himself. This is a child who if I let him would stand in front of his locker all day, watching the World go by. Jamari, who is habitually on yellow or red, had 2 green days in a row. In the middle of a temper tantrum I was able to calm Rayanna down by having her sit next to me while I administered a test to another student. Maranda got her coat off all by herself, even though I usually have to help her with the buttons. 

       In spite of the temper tantrums, eye rolling, and refusal to follow directions learning is still happening. My middle and high reading groups have made tremendous progress. They know all their letters and their sounds. They've memorized over 20 sight words and are gaining the skills to decode new words. They even know how to tell time by the hour and solve addition problems. 

        And here's to the breakthroughs that are still on their way.