Redemption: a new story of self

Redemption, that is what this year is about for me. Last year I lost my co-teacher, taught alone for 3 weeks, and tried and failed to teach a new teacher how to do her job while continuing to do mine. I left the year feeling defeated, hopeless, and depressed. Many of my students did not reach the accountability goals I set for them. At least 2 of them left the school because their behavior in my class was so atrocious, one of them charged my co-teacher with raised fists, another one crawled in between my kidney table and the wall while screaming and crying. I felt personally responsible for my students’ abandonment issues, their poor behavior, and their academic misgivings. I was depressed for part of the year, not feeling like myself especially when I had to rely on my roommate, MTLD (Manager of Teacher Leadership and Development), and colleagues at work to simply finish the school year. I teacher swapped in two separate classrooms to take a break from my own and was sent home from work one day crying because I was so overwhelmed.

                At the end of the year I was promised a move up to first grade from Kindergarten and the opportunity to co-teach with another 2012 corps member who I respected for her organization and classroom management skills. It was a promise that kept me going through most of April and May when my class was still in disarray and 4 out of the 6 kindergarten teachers had quit. Three weeks before I was supposed to return to school I found out I was being placed with a teacher who was new to the preps. To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. I started applying for other charter schools near my home in Rochester and had a very difficult conversation with my DCI (Director of Curriculum and Instruction) over the phone during which she told me that they would not be changing their minds about who my co-teacher would be.

                After sulking for several days I contacted my MTLD who helped me come to a difficult but important epiphany, I was projecting all my disappointment and perceived failure onto my new co-teacher, a woman I had never met and never given a chance to. I decided that I was too young to already become so bitter and let my bad experiences inform my new decisions. After our discussion I emailed my new co-teacher with a list of what I hoped to be rapport building questions.

                We have worked hard to create a space where students feel welcomed and it is my hope that they progressively feel a sense of belonging, purpose and honor for each other.  This year may not be perfect but I want to give back the year that was stolen from my kindergartners last year. I want to build our school’s community and thereby win our students’ trust back. We will succeed this year and when we do we will find out what hope really means. Meliora. Ever Better. 

Baal Perazim

        When the Philistines heard that David had been anointed king over Israel, they went up in full force to search for him, but David heard about it and went down to the stronghold. Now the Philistines had come and spread out in the Valley of Rephaim;so David inquired of the Lord, “Shall I go and attack the Philistines? Will you deliver them into my hands?”The Lord answered him, “Go, for I will surely deliver the Philistines into your hands.”

So David went to Baal Perazim, and there he defeated them. He said, “As waters break out, the Lord has broken out against my enemies before me.” So that place was called Baal Perazim.   2 Samuel 5:17-20

      In the past 5 weeks there have been 6 different teachers covering in my classroom. I've sent students to the dean almost every single day for behavioral issues including defiance, fighting, threatening other students and sticking their tongues out at my new co-teacher. I have 7 students who are not on track to go first grade. You could say that the Philistines have come in full force. (Don't worry I'm not suggesting that I have been appointed as Queen over Village Prep). A wise friend once asked me, Who do you think God wants to be in this situation? It has stuck with me and right now I seek to know Baal Perazim, the God who breaks through. 

        I do have some breakthroughs to celebrate for in the midst of the storm. Jayson told me he wanted to try to do a math problem by himself. This is a child who if I let him would stand in front of his locker all day, watching the World go by. Jamari, who is habitually on yellow or red, had 2 green days in a row. In the middle of a temper tantrum I was able to calm Rayanna down by having her sit next to me while I administered a test to another student. Maranda got her coat off all by herself, even though I usually have to help her with the buttons. 

       In spite of the temper tantrums, eye rolling, and refusal to follow directions learning is still happening. My middle and high reading groups have made tremendous progress. They know all their letters and their sounds. They've memorized over 20 sight words and are gaining the skills to decode new words. They even know how to tell time by the hour and solve addition problems. 

        And here's to the breakthroughs that are still on their way. 

Tears are Prayers

           After breaking down at church to a woman I barely knew she gave me some words of wisdom, "tears are prayers"... in my case prayers for help. Since my co-teacher has left my students and I have been left in the wake of inconsistency, exhaustion, and wondering what we did wrong to make her go. Last week was spent attempting to maintain the schedule without having the people to maintain it. I was trying to  manage 3 groups of students simultaneously and losing my voice in the process. I found out some things about myself... I am not as strong as I thought and nothing made me more disappointed in myself than yelling at students to get their attention.
          It has taken a lot to go back to work and face these kids that are so important to me knowing that in some way I have failed them. I came back with a promise to remain calm even in the midst of frustrating student behaviors (crawling on the floor, refusing to follow directions, hording food and destroying school materials). Class went better today. It is still not ideal, but all we can do is persevere until my new co-teacher arrives and pray that she catches on quickly. Who knew that growing would be so painful?
        In spite of all this there have been some glimmers of hope. The parents of my students have come together as a community to support our class until our new co-teacher arrives. One dad in particular simply astounded me with his gift of time. He works 12 hour shifts at a factory in town 6 days a week... what did he do on his day off? Read "It's Mine" to our class, stuffed all my BEE (Bring Everything Everyday) binders, and helped me with math. I've also had parents switch their schedules and take time off of work to come and help with the classroom. I couldn't be more grateful.

Breakthrough Week

        This week has made me proud to be a Kindergarten teacher. I watched as several of my struggling students made significant academic and behavioral breakthroughs. It started off with Miracle. Each month we learn 12 new sight words that our students are supposed to memorize in an effort to help them become better readers. When they learn their 12 sight words they earn an ice cream scoop on their sight word ice cream bowl. So far only 7 students have earned their first scoop. I hadn't tested Miracle yet but I wasn't expecting anything spectacular since she struggles with reading because of an eye problem and speech impediment. Against all odds, she spouted off every sight word on the first scoop list. We celebrated her success by stopping the whole class to give her a cheer and watch as she put her scoop up on the board.
         Miracle's unexpected success would have been enough for the week but then math meeting came and I again was surprised by the progress that is happening in my class. During math meeting I give jobs to each of the students, several of which involve leading a song. One job is to sing the date (Today is Sunday, November 11, 2012) and have the other students repeat it back. My Chinese student who is still learning English ended up with this job last week. I expected to help him sing his part for the other kids to follow, but he blew me away by singing the whole thing by himself. I was so proud of his courageous efforts to try a language even when he is not sure how it is supposed to sound I almost cried. Again my co-teacher and stopped the class to have Shifeng repeat his amazing performance.
       To top the week off I had two students finally take responsibility for their own actions and apologize for their previous behavior. During Writer's Workshop Dontez (a student who is habitually absent and tardy) told me he was sorry for taking my things (permanent marker that got all over his hands, pencils, left over change, etc) and that he was going to stop taking them. Then Jamari (a student who never can keep the same pencil for a day even with it tethered to his desk) raises his hand to tell me that he is not going to lose his stuff anymore by keeping it in his pencil pouch.
       Despite the long hours, pressure from administration, and the overwhelming nature of this work I wouldn't want to be anywhere else than teaching these kids, this year, at this school. Here's to more breakthroughs! Way to go God.

Things I Never Thought I Would Say to a Student

Some breaking election news from my Kindergarten classroom. We elected Barack Obama with vote of 18 and now for the real kicker... the runner up was Gary Johnson of the Libertarian Party.

After having some friends over for dinner this week I realized how ridiculous and hilarious my job is sometimes. These were some of the one liners we were laughing about:
Richard- Take the deli meat out of your pocket

T:How did your desk fall over?
S:Magic
T: So Magic pulled your desk over on you?

Stop digging a whole into the wall.

Take the diamond out of your mouth

Stop putting your hand in your mouth and flinging your spit on everyone.

T: What has gotten into you today? Why are you acting this way?
S: My tie is too tight

T:"Whose broad stripes and bright stars." What could our national anthem be talking about?
S: Zebras

S:Miss Scott there is garges all over the floor?
T: What?
S: GARGES
T: Can you use the word in another sentence?
S: You know for the garges can.
T: OH! Garbage.

I'd Be Glad To

        When I was growing up my mom and dad always emphasized having a good attitude whenever we were asked to do something ie. wash the dishes, sweep the floor, take care of a younger sibling (you get the point). This principle was especially emphasized when the task was something that I didn't like doing (vacuuming) and I remember getting more chores when I didn't say the key phrase "I'd be glad to". A lot of the times my emotions didn't follow my spoken words but it forced me to be conscious of how I was reacting to a situation. Why am I telling you all of this? Because I find myself using this same phrase a lot in my classroom. 

      Two students in particular often throw tantrums when they are not called on frequently enough or do not get what they want. It made my day today when one of them told me "I'd be glad to Miss Scott" after I asked him to stack the chairs. The other one has not come to that place yet. She is a student I have mentioned before... the infamous Diamond. Today's fits were over getting a check for making humming and singing noises while I was teaching, not getting the color of juice she wanted, and getting a check for not controlling her body while at her desk. Whenever she has a bad attitude I give her an opportunity to rewind the moment and try it again with some behavior coaching. This sometimes takes 3 or more attempts. I am looking forward to the day that she says I'd be glad to with a smile on her face. 

      As much as I tell my students to have an "I'd be glad to" attitude I often find myself whining or complaining in reaction to unforeseen events. I guess I need the opportunity to rewind my moments and try again too. This week my co-teacher was out of the classroom for the 4th time this year which meant 28 five year olds by myself with an ad-lib schedule for the day. I became stressed, anxious, and frustrated which turned into an adult melt down of questioning why I had gotten into teaching and bemoaning the upcoming days. However, Monday rolled around and thanks to the many prayers from my friends and family we had a great day. It turned out all of my anxiety was for nothing. 

My Dad gave me this Bible verse and it pretty much sums up my action plan for the rest of the year. Thanks Dad for still speaking promises over my life! 

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6 

What do you want to be when you grow up?

If you ever need a good laugh or a smile ask a five year old what they want to be when they grow up and how they are going to get there. Some responses from the lunch dates I have been having with my kiddos....
Spider man... I need to get big
Batman.... I need a car and to be big (I tried to steer this conversation (unsuccessfully) towards the importance of protecting people and how we could do this in the classroom since this child happens to be a behavioral issue most days)
Cheerleader
Doctor
Diver (this one was one of my favorites)
Watch out world an entire generation of new superheroes is coming!

One more vignette from this week. Every morning I write a message to the students, usually talking about one of our Viking Virtues and someone in our class or in history who has showed this virtue. A couple of days ago I wrote a message about the reunification of East and West Germany because they had been reunited on the same day 60 years ago to talk about perseverance. Explaining these concepts to 5 year olds can be tricky but I had a spur of the moment thought that went pretty well. I told them what happened in Germany would be like if I cut the carpet that they sit on in half and one group of students would be with my co-teacher and one group would be with me. They would never get to see each other and they weren't allowed to be friends. I didn't know if what I said sank in until today during math meeting when we were talking about another war and one of  my students said " like when some scholars were on one side of the carpet and we were on the other side", which was followed up by another student who raised her hand and said if my brother was on the other side of the wall I would crawl over it to get to him. I love it when my kids really "get it".

On a different note two of the students I ate lunch with today talked about how their parents were in jail. My heart broke as they talked about a parent knocking on the door and beating up the mom. It wasn't just what they said... but how they said it, as if this were how normal life should look. I asked them if they were scared and they said yes. It is times like these that I pray that the comfort of Jesus and his protection is finding a place in their homes even if I can't talk with them about it at school. Please join me in praying that the families I work with would come to know Jesus and that the kids would be safe.